Yesterday I was hysterical in the surgeon's waiting room. Crying, no weeping in my sister's arms. Filled with a deep grief and agony. Hoping for the best, expecting the worst. I am a little embarrassed about that. Why is that? I should be stronger, I suppose. I was after I knew. I just can't stand knowing.

The results of my second biopsy and it showed cancer in a different location in the same breast. Mammograms (at least 6) showed other areas of concern. The decision was not a difficult one, simple mastectomy. Simple is their word not mine. Is anything like this simple? I am greatly relieved and just want it over and not have cancer anymore and not have to worry about it. April 15, tax day, Banner Baywood 2:00. I realize it is difficult to think good thoughts on that day, but I could use the good energy.

My friend Jim who has suffered immense pain and multiple surgeries is leaving today. Going back to Iowa to be with family until he is completely recovered. Although I couldn't see him in the hospital because of my immune system and his MRSA we have spoken daily on the phone. The phone still works in Iowa, I assume, but it is different somehow. That and the crashing realization that I am loosing a part of myself that has been with me through so much, leaves me saddened. Too much to loose.

It's 7 am. I have been up since 5. In 2 hours I should know what is going one with this second biopsy. Waiting is the hardest. Cyndi, my veteran guide, is picking me up at 8:30. I can't concentrate on anything else.

Sunday, Bloody Sunday. Tomorrow I find out the results of my second biopsy. It is not an easy thing to face. I am not certain how I feel. A little like I can do this no matter what and a little like I am terrified and out of control. Well something is out of control in my body that is for sure. Are cancer cells me, or are they alien microbes living in my body. I don't really know what to think of them. Are they innocent or are they the incarnation of evil? If they are me, why are they doing this and why are they out of control? Did I do this by some choice I made in my past? Is this random? Is this a joke of destiny? What in the hell is going on here?
My pen pal Linda wrote this about my chakras after she analyzed a picture of me:


rescue remedy on the base (1st chakra = survival) treating for severe upset/shock

centaury on heart treating to strengthen your will = to believe in yourself = your power to heal and overcome

sweet chestnut on crown (7th= spiritual connection) for endurance from anguish and feelings of dejection = like God doesn't care

My old friend Anne Adams called yesterday. We worked together at Channel 8 centuries ago. She is a survivor and reassured me that yes, this too will pass. It seems endless and I've not even started.

Everyone says that having cancer is a journey and that I am being given a message and that I have to listen to my body and figure out what it is saying to me. So far it is scaring the hell out of me and I spend most of my time trying to calm myself and have a positive attitude which I usually do or did before this happened. I am not good at waiting. I want to figure out what to do about this and can't until all the data is in which I have no control over. So far this has been a messy business filled with unsightly things, blood and bruising,squishing and waiting. The horrid waiting. As a journey it is not unlike my first trip to Europe when I lived in trains with my Erurail pass. I was younger then and more eager to release control over my destiny to strangers. That is the hardest part now, surrendering to strangers and asking them, for a fee, to save my life. Odd place to be after learning to do just the opposite, which is to take control over it. Someone will say, and correctly, that I can control how I react to all this and that is what I am trying to do.

I've been thinking about what I want people to say to me when they find out. So far the best face to face thing was, "been there, done that." followed by a hug. I have had so many hug lately mainly from fellow travelers who have gone through it. The worst thing so far is when someone starts telling me a horror story about someone who had IT. I don't like to hear, "I am sorry" or "how terrible". I want to hear success stories and about how strong I am and how it is just shit I have to get though. My cousin, Judi sent me the best letter so far. Here it is:

I'm sorry to hear the journey continues down rockier roads.  Imagine the victory at the end, so much more the victory given the challneges.  With a higher degree of difficulty dive, comes the opportunity to "wow"!  Never before have you been in such a position to take control over the mind/body connection.  You get it.  You are a winner!
 
Begin with the end in mind -- see every cell cancer free.
 
Keep your mind strong (it is your power and always within your control).  Do not allow even a small crack of mental doubt -- as that is an entryway for dis-ease.
 
I am here with you every day searching the corners of your mental energy and sending you positive energy to keep the healing power strong.
 
The music will put you in the proper state to connect with all that is good.  Good heals.  Refuse the bad, avoid the negative, embrace your soul.
 
Do something fun today.  We are going to the Tempe Arts Festival. Jane and Christa are in town.  Come join us, they would love to see you.
 
Grace and Peace are with you.
Be confident.
 
I love you.
Judi

I had one of several meltdowns yesterday. The insurance company sent me a letter that wasn't the regular size and I couldn't open it. It is just too awful. I had to wait all day until I got together with friends and had them open it and read it. It wasn't as bad as I thought but they have to nickel/dime you to death. Why don't they just pay the damn bills like they are supposed to. I don't get it. The worst part, at least the most emotional crazy part of this whole ordeal shouldn't be the one thing that is supposed to rescue you because you pay in so much every month. I could go on but I am going to go have fun. They make it hard to have a spiritual journey which is what everyone says this is.