Everyone says that having cancer is a journey and that I am being given a message and that I have to listen to my body and figure out what it is saying to me. So far it is scaring the hell out of me and I spend most of my time trying to calm myself and have a positive attitude which I usually do or did before this happened. I am not good at waiting. I want to figure out what to do about this and can't until all the data is in which I have no control over. So far this has been a messy business filled with unsightly things, blood and bruising,squishing and waiting. The horrid waiting. As a journey it is not unlike my first trip to Europe when I lived in trains with my Erurail pass. I was younger then and more eager to release control over my destiny to strangers. That is the hardest part now, surrendering to strangers and asking them, for a fee, to save my life. Odd place to be after learning to do just the opposite, which is to take control over it. Someone will say, and correctly, that I can control how I react to all this and that is what I am trying to do.