Yesterday I was hysterical in the surgeon's waiting room. Crying, no weeping in my sister's arms. Filled with a deep grief and agony. Hoping for the best, expecting the worst. I am a little embarrassed about that. Why is that? I should be stronger, I suppose. I was after I knew. I just can't stand knowing.

The results of my second biopsy and it showed cancer in a different location in the same breast. Mammograms (at least 6) showed other areas of concern. The decision was not a difficult one, simple mastectomy. Simple is their word not mine. Is anything like this simple? I am greatly relieved and just want it over and not have cancer anymore and not have to worry about it. April 15, tax day, Banner Baywood 2:00. I realize it is difficult to think good thoughts on that day, but I could use the good energy.

My friend Jim who has suffered immense pain and multiple surgeries is leaving today. Going back to Iowa to be with family until he is completely recovered. Although I couldn't see him in the hospital because of my immune system and his MRSA we have spoken daily on the phone. The phone still works in Iowa, I assume, but it is different somehow. That and the crashing realization that I am loosing a part of myself that has been with me through so much, leaves me saddened. Too much to loose.